I've been lucky - and it's been interesting - to have so much time to myself lately, as my 8yo son has been visiting family (especially his cousins) on the East Coast. I've had to learn "who I am" when I'm not a single working mother. And I've noticed old patterns of feeling isolated and "alone" coming to the surface. Arising in the space my son's absence has created.
It was my choice to move across the country, far from family. Although - it wasn't really a choice because I didn't feel I could *choose* to ignore the call of the Rocky Mountains. A tireless, rich booming that started in my heart space. A heartbeat I felt called to match. To meet in person.
And yesterday during our retreat I realized how much I've taken on the roles of "strong one," "crazy one," "the one who made her own bed so she'd better lie in it." I've become independent out of necessity; the rug has been pulled out from under me too many times to count.
So I had given myself permission to enroll in this day-long retreat south of Aspen because I felt a need for connection. IN-PERSON connection. I gave myself permission to spend time in a place that feels like "home" to me, with people who have that "home"-like vibration, playing with sound and nature and movement and communion - all activities which bring me "home."
I noticed throughout the day that it took discipline for me to really allow myself the pleasure of this beautiful and comfortable experience. Because I tend to be one who's always pushing, always learning, always growing... always MOVING. Always putting herself in situations that are NOT comfortable. I'm still overcoming historical patterns of being uncomfortable and thereby "having to fight" or "sucking it up."
Even in my artwork, I notice that I'm afraid of "getting too comfortable." Which is partly why I've created such a varied portfolio of work. Why I'm always trying new supplies and why no two pieces are exactly the same.
So really allowing myself to sink into the comfort and the support of in-person connections yesterday was something I hugely needed. To calm down my nervous system and strengthen the connection with my Self. To allow myself to feel supported, reminding me that these connections DO exist "in real life," even when my own experience of that reality has been slight.
I was reminded that it's okay to be comfortable. It's okay to make the comfortable choice. It's okay to allow myself in-person connection instead of always being isolated and strong. It's okay to be held.
It's okay to BE. In the physical world. With physical Be-ings.
It's not weakness; it actually reinforces strength.